Monday Morning Sentimonies: That Blew, Both Literally and Figuratively

Riders 10 – Stamps 17

The Slack Attack, The Bellefeuille Prairie Offense, the current offense of the yet to be formed Ottawa franchise, any hockey team in the fall of 2012, a computer science major, a no legged soccer player ... What are things that have a better chance of scoring than the Saskatchewan Roughriders?

Well that was just awful! Thank goodness we were treated to the dog races at halftime or that whole afternoon might not have been worth my trip. As a side note, we were not so secretly hoping that the dog races would devolve into dog fighting... I had my betting money ready to go. No luck though, I guess we will have to wait until it becomes Michael Vick presents Koas Dogsports.

I’m not going to excuse the play of our defense because they looked awful too but when we only allow 17 points, ugly or not, we should win. Of course that assumes having some semblance of an offense which we clearly do not.

I am also not going to excuse the poor play of Durant but anyone who seriously thinks that a different QB will improve anything clearly isn’t watching the same thing as me. Our offensive game plan wouldn`t cut it in peewee and our receivers are useless. You could put Drew Brees back there but that wouldn`t make our receivers catch or our coaches not be clueless. When Durant was running for all those yards (finally!) you could actually see him going through his reads and thinking to himself ``Dressler: covered. Getzlaf: can`t catch. Sucks, Sucks, don`t even know who that guy is, aww screw it I’ll do it myself! ``

Last night, I re-watched the game (which lately is like the equivalent of cutting your wrists without the scarring). The low point came when Rod Black commented that the Riders had success early in the season with crossing patterns to Dressler but have gone away from that. Yes our offensive problems are now so obvious that someone who marvels at triple salchows for a living can pick up on it.

A deep threat in our offense is if someone mistakenly runs a route beyond 8 yards. Our receivers can’t catch. Our QB is consistently dropping to the exact same point on every pass... and that just so happens to be the same spot that the DEs that our tackles are trying to push wide keep converging on. I am not an accredited football expert (I am just an enthusiastic young man with a sixth-grade education and an abiding love for all God's creatures) but should we maybe try shorter drops for the QB or roll outs or stepping up into the pocket? Our offense is more predictable than the end to the movie Titanic (at least Titanic gives us boobs for the hours of wasted time invested in it).

Based on my observations of the past few games, here are the 5 pillars of the Bob Dyce offensive strategy.

1 – Creativity and unpredictability are passing fads. I want an offense I can set my watch to.

2 - Teams expect you to throw deep, that`s why throwing exclusively short is bound to confuse them and make you invincible

3 – You can drive the length of the field in under a minute with 8 yards passes. Hell, according to Glen Suitor we probably have enough time to shorten them to 6 yards patterns

4 – Leaving defensive ends unblocked will dumfound them and cause them to wander aimlessly around the field

5 – The Shotgun formation is the most superior of all the formations. Nothing can beat it.

So call for Willy all you want but he will be handicapped by the same receivers and play calling so unless he can pull a Mr Perfect and throw a streak to himself I don`t see that improving anything.

I was getting excited for Labour Day... now it’s slowly being replaced with a feeling of dread.

Other random thoughts:

-       It should be supremely concerning when the opposing RB runs up the middle on us repeatedly, at will... even when you stack the box.

-       I like Shomari but when an RB is causing that much havoc inside the hashmarks, the MLB gets the bulk of the blame (probably why Joe Lobendahn is on flight into Regina as we speak)

-       Love how in the same game Getzlaf got booed off the field and got a standing ovation. That said I didn`t realize that we had collectively decided to help Getzlaf get out of his slump by cheering like he was a retard that won a medal at the Special Olympics every time he makes a catch. Must have missed that memo.

-       One of the few positives is the emergence of Mick Williams. 

-       Efrem ``The Retarded Rabbit`` is our best option when Dressler is covered. I`m not his biggest fan but put him back in slot given how bad our other options there are.

-       Given how well the D responded to Chamblin`s verbal beration maybe he should try it on the rest of the team... coaches included.

-       What happened to all the ``Taman is the greatest GM ever`` talk that was so prevalent in July?

-       How much do you think it would cost to get LaPo back? Let’s start passing around the hat.

-       At some point between now and next season Barrin Miles will take over as DC from Richie Hall. Each successive loss increases the odds that it will be sooner rather than later.

-       Can we bring back the crappy kicker that we liked?... we are tiring of the crappy kicker we all think is a douche.

-       That said, a punt that results in -4 yards seems to defy the laws of physics.

Thank you Calgary for blocking your own FG attempt... we appreciate the show of sportsmanship.

-       If this season keeps up its current pace I am going to increase my booze budget dramatically.