A Blasphemous Christmas For All

The holiday season is such a special time because it marks a celebration for many different groups.

If you are a Christian, like me, you believe that Christmas is when Jesus was born and subsequently visited by 3 wise men who brought gifts of a sleigh, toy filled sack and a red velvet suit. Jesus was then exposed the radioactive ooze and morphed into Santa Clause, commandeering the reindeer that the wise men were riding and flying to the North Pole to defeat the Abominable Snowman and freeing the elves… only to later re-enslave them in his toy workshop.

If you are Japanese you believe that this is the time when Annual Gift Man leaves his home on the moon to deliver toys in an efficient manner while manoeuvring around Godzilla. Annual Gift Man gives good children superiorly crafted Japanese electronics while bad children receive a ninja kick to the face.

Perhaps you are Jewish and will soon be off to temple to don your propeller-less beanie and listen to the ancient story of how the Fonz used the grease from his hair to keep candles burning for 8 days while Martha Stewart’s ancestors redecorated the temple.

Perhaps you are Hindu and your holiday celebrations involve commemorating gods such as Papa Smurf, The Elephant Man and Johnny Six-arms.

Our African American readers may be celebrating Kwanzaa which was created as an alternative to existing holidays to celebrate African American culture. They briefly considered just modifying the idea of Christmas to more prominently feature African Americans but they ended up deciding against it when they realized that if people saw a black person in a fur-lined coat entering a house while people are sleeping with a big sack their first instinct would be to call the cops.

Perhaps you are Scottish and celebrating Hogmania – the festival of pork, about to enjoy a celebratory ham… what’s that?... it’s called Hogmanay?... I like my version better. I mean who wouldn’t want bacon in their stocking?

Or maybe Festivus is more your thing in which case best of luck in the feats of strength.

No matter what your reason for celebration is, the whole Rider Prophet crew would like to wish you all the best over this holiday season. We will be taking a short break over Christmas but will be back in the New Year with more football news and irreverent commentary. Merry Christmas everybody.