Who Is The Rider Prophet?

Given that it’s Friday and there’s not much for CFL news, I figured I would take this opportunity to give you some insight into who the Rider Prophet really is. A while back, a reporter decided to investigate this topic by interviewing a bunch of my friends and family. Though the reporter was unable to resolve the mystery surrounding the Prophet, they did uncover some pretty amazing stories that few people know.

So today I will share with you a collection of stories as told by the Rider Prophet’s friends and family. I will neither confirm nor deny the accuracy of these stories. You be the judge…

• The Rider Prophet played himself to a scoreless draw in the World Ping Pong Championships that was finally called after 13 hours of play.
• Muhammed Ali lost a lawsuit and now has to pay royalties to The Rider Prophet in order to be referred to as “The Greatest”
• The Rider Prophet can win X’s and O’s using only the number 5
• The Rider Prophet once tried to kill the world’s greatest lover but decided against it when he learned there were laws against suicide.
• The Rider Prophet once performed Beethoven’s 5th Symphony by simultaneously playing every orchestral part while also conducting the ensemble. The performance garnered rave reviews though the Prophet ended up firing the lead flautist for being a little bit flat.
• The Rider Prophet used to wet the bed… from the living room.
• The Rider Prophet once thought he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Then he realized he was just standing between 2 mirrors.
• The Rider Prophet once won the Grey Cup by throwing the game winning touchdown to himself followed by holding and kicking the convert.
• The Rider Prophet hates Europeans. And he’s half German! He also hates irony.
• The Rider Prophet was once asked by CBC to do colour commentary. He ended up being so good at it that he finished 20 minutes before the game ended and still correctly called the winner and game winning play. Despite being awed at his abilities, CBC had to let the Prophet go due to the effect it would have on ratings and advertising.
• The Rider Prophet once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.
• "The Rider Prophet once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"